Beneath Your Beautiful

So lately I've been a "Pity Party Princess"... feeling sorry for myself and that I don't measure up.  I know in my head that this is nonsense, but oh how I seem to wallow sometimes.  This morning I was even thinking to myself that I just wish people could have known me "before".  Before I was boring.  Before I was calloused.  Before I was tired.  Before I was poor.  Before I had gone through the trials I've gone through.  Before... well, before I became the me I am today.

I thought... if they could have known me BEFORE maybe they would be able to see the person I used to be, the person I think I still am somewhere deep inside.

But the truth is, I'm not the same person.  Some of the old me has gotten lost in the battle of life.  I'm not as spontaneous, not as trusting, not as open.  And I'm a pretty good actress.  I can fool most of the world most of the time.  I put on a mask and a whole lot of armor.  Only a very few ever get inside to see the real me.  Is it any wonder I don't have the same fun relationships I used to??

I was listening to the radio and the song Beneath Your Beautiful by Labrinth & Emile Sande' came on.  What an inspired message for me today.  I am going to have to let my wall down if I expect to have the quality of relationships that I want.  It's hard.  I've been burned and broken so many times. 

Behind your Broadway show
I heard a voice say please don't hurt me
You've carried on so long
You couldn't stop if you tried it
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it
But I'm gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful
Would you let me see beneath your perfect

One thing that I've learned about people is that they WILL let you down.  They WILL disappoint you.  But then again, I let people down and I disappoint people.  Maybe it's time for a little less expectation and a little more grace... 

Maybe it's time to start turning more fully to the One who WON'T let me down, the One who WON'T disappoint me, the One who will ALWAYS be there to support and love me right where I am, and will encourage me to become better.  Maybe it's time to worry more about my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, and less about my relationships with others.  

Maybe as I come to love myself as the Savior loves me, I can open up and let others know and love me too.

And through it all remember to simply Keep Breathing.

Small and Simple Things

I was reading in Alma 37 this week and it was interesting to me the way that Alma likens Lehi and his family having the Liahona and receiving inspiration to us having the scriptures (words of Christ). Lehi and his family didn't give heed to the compass because it was too "easy". Often we do the same thing.

41 ..."because those miracles were worked by small means ... They were slothful and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey.
44 "... it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ ... as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass ...."
45 " ... the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise."

It is so easy for us to neglect the basics of prayer and scripture study because they are so "easy" and seemingly small, and yet through these small and simple means we are brought closer to Christ and are able to feel the Spirit and receive much needed inspiration. I imagine our missionaries have experience with investigators who "forget" to pray or to read the Book of Mormon and then they will "not progress in their journey". Hopefully they will be able to invite them to return to the basics and grow in their relationship with our Heavenly Father.

We had a talk along the same lines in Sacrament meeting today and President Uchtdorf gave a talk recently about prioritizing our lives properly. Pres. Uchtdorf said that our priorities need to be:
1. Our personal relationship with our Heavenly Father
2. Our relationship with our families
3. Our relationship with our fellowmen
4. Our relationship with ourselves

"As we turn to our Heavenly Father and seek His wisdom regarding the things that matter most,
we learn over and over again the importance of four key relationships:
with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves. "
Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf
"Of Things That Matter Most" October 2010

I have a testimony that Jesus is the Christ and that he hears and answers our prayers. Through small and simple things He can accomplish great works... and often the greatest work that He will accomplish in our own personal lives is the personal conversion of each one of us individually. Sometimes we overlook what a great miracle it is to convert a soul, even our own. As we continue to learn more about our Savior, He continues to strengthen us and our love for Him grows. I know He lives and He loves us. Continue in the basics and to strengthen your own personal testimony as you serve Him ... and Keep Breathing.

I'm doing the best I can

As parents we make many decisions, and through them all we echo the sentiments of one of my dear ancestors, Elizabeth Terry Heward, that hopefully our children will be alright inspite of our fumblings as parents for "(we) thought (we) were doing the best (we) could." 

Here is a journal entry from Elizabeth:

My little Mary grew smart and intelligent and had great wisdom for a child her age, Which was according to her blessing. The weather was very cold and stormy and I had neglected to get her any shoes. Indeed ... I thought I was not able to pay for them, so she was exposed to the cold.

On December 7, 1852, she was taken sick with the scarlet fever and on the night of December 13, she died. The stroke seemed more than I could bear.  She was two years, nine months and eight days old. She had a weak constitution and needed a great deal of care, and my health being poor and having two children younger than her, I couldnot give her the attention she needed.

But she is gone, and I humbly pray that she may not lose anything by this change, for I thought I was doing the best I could.

Parenting is trial and error, and definitely a time to Keep Breathing.

New Job

Wow.  So I guess it's that time in life where I get to strike out and make a new beginning as I venture back into the work force after a 14+ year absense.
I have been looking at beginning this journey for a while now, and honestly struggled with which direction I wanted to go.  I have a degree in Elementary Ed, so I could reinstate my certification (which I am in the process of doing) and go back to teaching.  BUT I also love designing flowers, so that could be a new avenue to pursue.  What to do....

Well, I browsed the internet last week looking for floral design jobs in the area and couldn't find anything. (surprise, surprise).  Then on Tuesday, I decided to look and see what other jobs might be listed.  I looked on Craigslist and there it was - an advertisement for a floral designer at a local florist.  I emailed my application Tuesday afternoon, got a call Wednesday morning for an interview, interviewed Wednesday afternoon and got the job.  I start next Tuesday.

Excited, Flattered, Terrified, Anxious, Excited!

So when I told Logan about my new job he was kind of sad.  I asked if it was because he wanted me to be a teacher.  He said, "No.  I was thinking you could be a celebrity.  Then you could be famous and make our family rich again cuz we're kind of almost close to being poor you know...."  Silly boy!

Hahahaha!  So then he went to the bathroom and came back and said,  "Oh mom!  In the bathroom I was also thinking you could be an astronaut... but then I thought that wouldn't be good because in space you would probably run out of air and then you'd die."

What a great kid!! - and what a great adventure I am beginning!  Now I just need to Keep Breathing.

Tools

If every man's internal care

Were written on his brow,

How many would our pity share

Who raise our envy now?

~Peitro Metastasio

 

Have you ever taken the time to really look at another person and try to imagine what their life must be like?  So often I think I go about so caught up in my own chaos that I forget to see what others around me are going through in their own lives. 

My daughter shared a message that they learned at a BYUI fireside.  The speaker told them that there is one choice that we can make each day that will change our lives forever. 

We must make the choice to treat others as people, and not as tools.

I have thought about that a lot over the past few months.  How often do we look at others as merely someone who will fill some role in our lives? 

The teacher at the school isn't a person... they are a tool that teaches our children.  The checker at the grocery store isn't a person... they are a tool that is moving too slowly and making us late for our appointments.  The Primary teacher who doesn't show up to teach her class, my children who have chores to do around our home, my husband who needs to bring home enough to pay the bills and had better be a supportive husband and father so I can take a break, and even myself....  Can I allow myself to see my own worth beyond what I can accomplish in the home, the church, or the community??

Now don't get me wrong, things have to get done in this world, and people are the ones to do them.  But we often don't take the time to look beyond the roles that people play in our lives to see the individuals who fill these roles and see who they really are. 

President Thomas S. Monson said this, "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." 

Don't we all expect others to treat us this way??  We often want others to extend that grace and forgiveness to us that we are unwilling to extend to them.  So my goal is to try to see others as our Savior sees them, and to love them for who they really are instead of what they can do for me, and through it all to just Keep Breathing. 

"The Savior doesn't just speak to the masses.  He ministered and showed love to the one.  They weren't all beautiful and perfect.  He looked at their heart.  He does with you also."
~Pres. James E. Faust~

Creativity Unleashed

So for the past few years I've been "playing" with making corsages and boutonnieres for the kids' school dances.  Last night my hubby picked up some Oasis Floral Adhesive and I also bought some floral wire to experiment with.  Can I just say... I LOVE THIS STUFF!!!

My inspiration for new designs comes from a local florist Flutterby Floral .  Their designs are INCREDIBLE!! 

So here are a few of my latest creations for Kuna's prom tonight.  What do you think??

Creativity definitely makes it easier to Keep Breathing.

Perceptions

What is your perception of yourself?

As a child, my father loved to recite poetry to us.  I often remember my father quoting the Robert Burns poem To A Louse and I have wondered over the years just what others might think of when they are observing me.  "O would some Power the good Lord give us, To see ourselves as others see us!"

I find myself sitting quietly on the couch this morning and I thought, "Oh how lazy you are, just sitting there on the computer doing nothing."  I have said before to others that I should really not be so lazy and that I should be doing more.  Most of my friends are amazed to hear me say that I feel like I am not doing enough and they assure me that I am crazy busy and actually need to slow down a little more often.  I guess I need to stop every once in a while and try to see what others see.

So today I have been taking inventory of my life and schedule, not for anyone but myself really, just to justify I guess that it's ok to just sit down and breathe.  The name of my blog is Keep Breathing after all.

In the last two and a half weeks I have spent my time doing the following:

• Mom to 6 kids - I have to remind myself that this is huge in itself... the laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, emotional support, homework, etc....
• Primary President to 145 wonderful children and 30 or so amazing teachers and leaders.
• Melissa came home from college and we organized/cleaned/decorated her room and caught up emotionally on everything.
• Jonathon competed in Robotics Competition.
• I went to Parker's National History Day competition.
• I went to Parker's choir festival.
• I hemmed/altered 11 choir dresses (many of them twice) over the course of 3 days.  This meant several trips to the school to measure and fit the girls.
• I went to Jonathon and Nathan's choir concert and spent the hour and a half before pinning dresses on girls who missed class for the fittings earlier.
• I hemmed/altered another 5 choir dresses over the weekend, which meant another day at the school on Friday to fix more dresses and included making a size 20 dress into a size 8 without cutting any fabric.
• I hemmed a Prom dress for one of the girls in choir.
• I went to Jonathon and Nathan's choir festival.
• I hemmed another Prom dress for another girl in choir.
• I deep cleaned the house so that Prom dinner for Jonathon and his group could be at our home.
• I prepared and cooked most of the Prom dinner.  Melissa finished up and served while I went to Stake Conference.
• I made 2 corsages and 2 boutineers for Jonathon's Prom group.
• I led the Stake Choir for Stake Conference.  I also had rehearsals for them for two weeks prior.
• I babysat Asher 10 out of those 17 days, for a total of approx. 64 hours.
• I visited every thrift store in town multiple times on multiple days looking for Cowboy boots for the musical.
• I've had rehearsal for the musical for Kim, Jonathon, Nathan, and myself for 9 out of those 17 nights.

So with all this stuff in my crazy normal life, I still find it hard to justify a morning sitting on the couch.  Somehow I need to allow myself to just Keep Breathing.

 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

Mosiah 4:27