"I Just Needed You to Ask."

It’s amazing to me how everyday situations can remind me of my relationship with Heavenly Father.  This morning I asked Logan to bring me his agenda for school.  Each day they are to record their homework and any other notes from the teacher about upcoming activities or supplies needed etc….  Along with his homework for the day, Logan had written down “binders plees”.  I asked him if he needed binders for school.  He looked at the floor and whispered sadly and apologetically, “Yes.”   

I should insert here that the past few years our family has been recovering from a layoff that resulted from a company merger.  Because of this, our income was cut in half, and due to the current state of the economy, we haven’t been able to find employment that pays even close to the original wage.  So a good portion of Logan’s school life has been scrimping and saving and thrift stores and clearance sales.  Add to this the fact that we have had a wedding and a sent out a missionary this past year and Logan has seen me take on part time jobs and work all sorts of various odd jobs to help out.  Logan was worried to ask me about a binder for school because he didn’t want us to have to spend money on him that we may not have.  

I asked him what kind of binder he needed and he said, “Just a 3 ring binder with a place to put a picture on the front.”  I told him we had several and they were actually just a few feet from where he was standing.  He was so excited!  I let him know that I had prepared ahead of time for the things I thought he might need, and that I was just waiting for him to ask when he needed something.

Think about that …

Everything was prepared ahead of time in case he needed it, and all he had to do was come to me and ask.  He didn’t have to beg.  He didn’t have to earn it.  He didn’t have to do anything other than let me know what he needed and when he did, it was already available.  I was excited and happy to give him what he needed and I was grateful that something that I had sacrificed to provide was finally being used instead of sitting on a shelf gathering dust.

I told him, “I already have binders for you, I just needed you to ask.”  As I said these words I could imagine our Heavenly Father saying the same thing to me… “I already have everything you need for this trial, I just needed you to ask.”

Our Heavenly Father has already prepared the tools, the people, and the opportunities that we will need in this life.  Our Savior has already worked, struggled, and paid the price.  All that is left is for us to come to them and ask.

“I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, … my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”  Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

Sometimes I think we are like Logan and don’t want to bother our Heavenly Father.  We also don’t want to cause Him to sacrifice any more on our behalf.  Maybe we don’t think we are worth it.  Maybe we think Heavenly Father is too busy and doesn’t really have time for us.  Maybe we don’t really know what we need.

Our Heavenly Father is a God of love.  He has already prepared everything for us and rejoices when we take advantage of the things He has provided.  He wants us to use the Atonement that His Son, Jesus Christ has already paid for.  He wants us to come to Him and let Him know what blessings we need and how He can help us.  He wants us to know that He loves us and He wants us to Keep Breathing.

  "Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God...."  
1 John 3:1

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life."  John 3:16  

Kintsugi or Kinsukuroi: Broken Things

A friend shared with me today the lovely art/idea of Kintsugi (Kinsukuroi).  Kintsugi is the traditional Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with a strong adhesive and then sprinkling the adhesive with gold dust.  The result is that the broken pottery is now mended and in fact even stronger than the original.  Instead of trying to hide the flaws and cracks, they are accentuated and celebrated because they now have become the strongest part of the pottery.  

I love the idea that each of us can be mended and become even stronger than we originally were through Christ.  Often we view ourselves as not measuring up, not good enough, not perfect ... broken.  

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk in 2006 entitled  Broken Things to Mend. 

In his talk, Elder Holland shares the following insights:

"The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair....
If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended."

What a beautiful concept, that Christ will take us as we are, broken and tattered, and he will mend us
and help us become even more than we could ever become on our own.  There is a song that I love that expresses this so beautifully, 

Broken, by Kenneth Cope.

Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day
Broken storms yield light
The break of day heals night
Broken pride turns blindness into sight
Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
Could it be that God loves broken things
Broken chains set free
Broken swords bring peace
Broken walls make friends of you and me
To break the ranks of sin
To break the news of Him
To put on Christ till His name feels broken in
Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
I believe that God loves broken things
And yet, our broken faith, our broken promises
Sent love to the cross
And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving
This broken soul that cries for mending
This broken heart for offering
I'm convinced that God loves broken me
Praise His name—my God loves broken things
So, broken cloud—Give rain
And broken soil—Grow grain
And broken bread—Feed man for one more day

As we turn to the Savior to be healed and to be perfected, we may just find ourselves more filled with gold than with pottery.  And through Him we will be able to be whole, to be good enough, to be perfect.  Perfection isn't a life without flaws, it's a life where those flaws are mended, our hearts are healed, and we remember to Keep Breathing.

Chasing Rabbits

"To cite a whimsical saying; 'If you chase two rabbits, both of them will escape.' No one is adequate to do everything all at once. We have to select what is important, what is possible, and begin where we are, with what we have. And if we begin and if we keep going the weight, the worry, the doubt, the depression will begin to lift .... We can't do everything always, but we can do something now, and doing something will help to lift the weight and lessen the worry, 'The beginning,' said Plato, 'is the most important part.'"--Richard L. Evans

I love this quote.  Too often I find myself chasing way too many rabbits... working 3 part time jobs, being mom to 4 kids at home and one missionary and one newly wed, teaching Sunday School for teenagers, being a supportive wife, taking time to be a good friend, trying to enjoy some time arranging flowers ... the list goes on.  The wonderful thing about my life is that I truly enjoy each and every part of it.  Don't get me wrong, there are definitley hard days and endless challenges.  But I kind of love the challenge.  The problem is that I find that I get upset with myself for getting burned out or tired or just not measuring up... And the silly thing is that I am the only one who thinks I'm not measuring up.  Well, ok, there are always those who are really quick to judge and would be eager to point out my failings, but my biggest critic has always been myself.

I think this is a universal problem for most women.  We really want to be able to do it all and we somehow think that anything less than everything isn't good enough.  But good enough for who?  Heavenly Father doesn't expect us to be everything.  Most of the time society doesn't expect us to be everything.  Our families don't even expect us to be everything.  Honestly, I am the one who puts the pressure on myself.

So, what do I cut out?  How do I prioritize?  It really isn't possible financially to cut out any of the jobs right now, and they are such an incredible blessing because they allow me to be with my family when they are home and to still help meet our financial obligations.  I can't just stop being a mom, and I don't want to.  I love my family.  They are my world.  I enjoy my time with friends ... I seem to have a hard time making friends so I treasure the ones I have.  I guess I just don't play well with others.  My flowers are such a peaceful expression of my soul and I love the opportunity to create something beautiful.

So what to do?

When I was a young girl we had a pet rabbit with soft, beautiful white fur named Snowball.  As a girl I loved to hold and cuddle this soft white bunny.  She was my confidant and I could tell her my inner most thoughts and daydreams.  She didn't judge.  She didn't criticize.  She just sat in my arms and made me feel loved.

One day we took Snowball in the backyard to get some excercise.  She loved the cool green grass and soon decided that this paradise was so much better than her cage.  She decided to make her escape and I found myself literally chasing a rabbit.  Round and round the yard we ran with Snowball always one hop ahead of me.  I couldn't lose my friend, she was much too important to me... I just had to catch her.  I leapt after my Snowball and made a frantic grab for her beautiful fluffy white tail... and to my horror, as I caught hold of the swiftly hopping bunny, I pulled her tail completely off.  I was devastated.  I thought I had killed her.  I sobbed harder than I knew I could.

In the end, she ended up being just fine... a little shaken and definitely not the happy bunny she had been just moments before.  But I learned a valuable lesson.  Running around frantically chasing rabbits is a little like chasing things in life that we think will bring contentment and peace.  While it is possible, with patience and strategy and a little luck, to catch one rabbit ... it is quite another thing to chase several at a time.

My advice to myself and to others?
Be good to yourself.  Give yourself permission to sit quietly and enjoy the peace and joy that can come from taking the time to focus on one precious thing at a time.  There will be time to hold other rabbits, but allow yourself to enjoy each season of life as it comes.  Slow down and take a look at all the good that you are doing, instead of focusing on all the areas you feel you are failing in.

And when you can't see the road ahead and it seems that you will never find that peace and rest that you long for, trust in your Heavenly Father and remember that He has said, "Be still and know that I am God."  ~Psalms 46:10

The maker of rabbits, and challenges, and families, and trials knows and loves you so completely.  Trust in Him.  Seek His peace.  Take His hand.  Feel His love...  and Keep Breathing.

Missionary Care Package

Missionary care packages can brighten the day of any missionary.  They don't need to be fancy, just full of love and personalization.  I picked up a few fun things for my missionary today at the dollar store and from around the house.  This is what I came up with.

Granola Bar:  "And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye - for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words, at the last day, and you and I shall stand face to face before his bar..."  2 Nephi 33:11

Gummy Eyeballs:  "Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things..."  Psalms 119:18

Jaw Breaker:  "... and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."  D&C 122:7

Sour Gummy Worms:  Don't let "Sour" moments "Worm" their way into your companionship.

Reeces Pieces:  "Peace (pieces) I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world
giveth,  give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."    John 14:27

Gummy Airplanes:  "Fly High" in your missionary service.

Tootsie Rolls:  Remember your "roll" as a missionary is to bring the good news of the gospel to all the world.

Kool-Aid:  It's "Kool" to bring Spiritual "Aid" to the world.

Mouth Ring Pop:  "Yea, verily, verily, I say unto you, that the field is white already to harvest; wherefore, thrust in your sickles, and reap with all your might, mind and strength.  Open your mouths and they shall be filled, and you shall become even as Nephi of old, who journeyed from Jerusalem in the wilderness.  Yea, open your mouths and spare not, and you shall be laden with sheaves upon your backs, for lo, I am with you.  Yea open your mouths and they shall be filled, saying: Repent, repent, and prepare ye the way of the Lord, and make his paths straight; for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."  D&C 33: 7-10

Puzzle:  Just like a puzzle piece is vital, every individual is important to our Heavenly Father.

Gum:  "...choose (chews) you this day whom ye will serve; but as for me
and my house, we will serve the Lord."  Joshua 24:15

Hi-Chew Candy:  Take the "Hi" road and "Chews" to be a support to your fellow missionaries.

Swedish Fish:  "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men."  Matthew 4:19

Firefly Launching Toy:  Just as a "Firefly" can light up the night, let your testimony light up the lives of those you teach.

Keep Breathing.

Beneath Your Beautiful

So lately I've been a "Pity Party Princess"... feeling sorry for myself and that I don't measure up.  I know in my head that this is nonsense, but oh how I seem to wallow sometimes.  This morning I was even thinking to myself that I just wish people could have known me "before".  Before I was boring.  Before I was calloused.  Before I was tired.  Before I was poor.  Before I had gone through the trials I've gone through.  Before... well, before I became the me I am today.

I thought... if they could have known me BEFORE maybe they would be able to see the person I used to be, the person I think I still am somewhere deep inside.

But the truth is, I'm not the same person.  Some of the old me has gotten lost in the battle of life.  I'm not as spontaneous, not as trusting, not as open.  And I'm a pretty good actress.  I can fool most of the world most of the time.  I put on a mask and a whole lot of armor.  Only a very few ever get inside to see the real me.  Is it any wonder I don't have the same fun relationships I used to??

I was listening to the radio and the song Beneath Your Beautiful by Labrinth & Emile Sande' came on.  What an inspired message for me today.  I am going to have to let my wall down if I expect to have the quality of relationships that I want.  It's hard.  I've been burned and broken so many times. 

Behind your Broadway show
I heard a voice say please don't hurt me
You've carried on so long
You couldn't stop if you tried it
You've built your wall so high
That no one could climb it
But I'm gonna try

Would you let me see beneath your beautiful
Would you let me see beneath your perfect

One thing that I've learned about people is that they WILL let you down.  They WILL disappoint you.  But then again, I let people down and I disappoint people.  Maybe it's time for a little less expectation and a little more grace... 

Maybe it's time to start turning more fully to the One who WON'T let me down, the One who WON'T disappoint me, the One who will ALWAYS be there to support and love me right where I am, and will encourage me to become better.  Maybe it's time to worry more about my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, and less about my relationships with others.  

Maybe as I come to love myself as the Savior loves me, I can open up and let others know and love me too.

And through it all remember to simply Keep Breathing.

Small and Simple Things

I was reading in Alma 37 this week and it was interesting to me the way that Alma likens Lehi and his family having the Liahona and receiving inspiration to us having the scriptures (words of Christ). Lehi and his family didn't give heed to the compass because it was too "easy". Often we do the same thing.

41 ..."because those miracles were worked by small means ... They were slothful and forgot to exercise their faith and diligence and then those marvelous works ceased, and they did not progress in their journey.
44 "... it is as easy to give heed to the word of Christ ... as it was for our fathers to give heed to this compass ...."
45 " ... the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise."

It is so easy for us to neglect the basics of prayer and scripture study because they are so "easy" and seemingly small, and yet through these small and simple means we are brought closer to Christ and are able to feel the Spirit and receive much needed inspiration. I imagine our missionaries have experience with investigators who "forget" to pray or to read the Book of Mormon and then they will "not progress in their journey". Hopefully they will be able to invite them to return to the basics and grow in their relationship with our Heavenly Father.

We had a talk along the same lines in Sacrament meeting today and President Uchtdorf gave a talk recently about prioritizing our lives properly. Pres. Uchtdorf said that our priorities need to be:
1. Our personal relationship with our Heavenly Father
2. Our relationship with our families
3. Our relationship with our fellowmen
4. Our relationship with ourselves

"As we turn to our Heavenly Father and seek His wisdom regarding the things that matter most,
we learn over and over again the importance of four key relationships:
with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves. "
Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf
"Of Things That Matter Most" October 2010

I have a testimony that Jesus is the Christ and that he hears and answers our prayers. Through small and simple things He can accomplish great works... and often the greatest work that He will accomplish in our own personal lives is the personal conversion of each one of us individually. Sometimes we overlook what a great miracle it is to convert a soul, even our own. As we continue to learn more about our Savior, He continues to strengthen us and our love for Him grows. I know He lives and He loves us. Continue in the basics and to strengthen your own personal testimony as you serve Him ... and Keep Breathing.

I'm doing the best I can

As parents we make many decisions, and through them all we echo the sentiments of one of my dear ancestors, Elizabeth Terry Heward, that hopefully our children will be alright inspite of our fumblings as parents for "(we) thought (we) were doing the best (we) could." 

Here is a journal entry from Elizabeth:

My little Mary grew smart and intelligent and had great wisdom for a child her age, Which was according to her blessing. The weather was very cold and stormy and I had neglected to get her any shoes. Indeed ... I thought I was not able to pay for them, so she was exposed to the cold.

On December 7, 1852, she was taken sick with the scarlet fever and on the night of December 13, she died. The stroke seemed more than I could bear.  She was two years, nine months and eight days old. She had a weak constitution and needed a great deal of care, and my health being poor and having two children younger than her, I couldnot give her the attention she needed.

But she is gone, and I humbly pray that she may not lose anything by this change, for I thought I was doing the best I could.

Parenting is trial and error, and definitely a time to Keep Breathing.